


If I Knew Then

by drivingmishcrazy



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fake Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Secret Relationship, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:35:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24753289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivingmishcrazy/pseuds/drivingmishcrazy
Summary: Derek’s world gets turned upside down three times in less than a year. When Emily returns to the BAU alive and well, she isn’t alone. Can they fix what was broken? Set during/after the events of seasons 6 and 7 with some spoilers.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 3
Kudos: 66





	If I Knew Then

“I need to tell you something.”

Months later, those words would come to haunt Derek, after his life had gone from dream to nightmare courtesy of Ian Doyle. But even in the moment, those words elicited a jolt of fear as he looked up to meet Emily’s patient gaze as she offered him a beer while they sat down for pizza and a movie. Later, Derek would be amazed that he hadn’t noticed that Emily didn’t take one herself, though just moments later it would become apparent why. Derek’s brow knit together with concern as he took in the micro expressions that gave away how nervous Emily actually was. They had been dating, albeit secretly, for a little more than a year now, but Derek liked to think that he would have noticed even if Emily  _ wasn’t _ his girlfriend, though officially they had agreed not to profile each other. Emily chewed on her bottom lip and fought to keep her fingers away from her mouth, twisting and fidgeting with the necklace she wore.

“Okay.” Derek said. “What’s up, princess? Is everything okay? You look like you’re about to puke.”

“You might not be too far off with that one.” Emily muttered before clearing her throat. “I, uh, I went to the doctor today. You know, I haven’t been feeling great lately, so I decided to check it out to be safe, and uh…”

Fear turned to panic as Emily trailed off, looking at Derek to try and gauge his reaction. Derek forced his face into a neutral expression, even as his mind raced with all of the worst case scenarios. She seemed too young for heart disease or kidney failure, but cancer didn’t discriminate based on age. Maybe it was an ulcer or a cyst, though judging by the sound of her voice, it was something big enough that she was afraid to just come out and tell him. Later, she would tease him for being so dramatic, but in the moment, they all seemed like real and terrifying possibilities. Derek took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“You’re not trying to tell me you’re dying.” He said nervously. “Are you, princess?”

“Wha- no!” She exclaimed. “God, seriously? I tell you I went to the doctor and your first instinct is to start planning a funeral?”

“Well, I’m sorry.” He said. “But you’re acting all nervous, and it’s freaking  _ me  _ out. Come on, Emily. If it’s not that then what is it?”

Emily hesitated a moment. “I’m pregnant.” She said, looking away from him. “Seven weeks.”

“You’re pregnant.” Derek echoed, hardly believing his own ears. “With...with my...with  _ our  _ child?”

“Uh, yeah.” She said. “That’s usually what women mean when they tell the man they're dating that they’re pregnant, Derek. Is that…, I mean, are you-?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!” Derek said. “Hold on, just give my brain a minute to catch up.”

Derek exhaled and passed a hand over his face, trying to get his thoughts to slow down long enough for him to actually  _ process  _ them. Okay, Emily was pregnant. He was going to be a father. _ Holy shit. He was going to be a father!  _ Derek quickly tried to do the math in his head. She was seven weeks, seven weeks, that meant…

“Atlantic City?” He asked. “It happened that weekend?”

“I told you I always win big.” She said, letting out a sad little laugh. “I just didn’t realize  _ that  _ particular sin came with a prize.”

“Okay.” He said. “Okay, so you’re pregnant. I- what do you-? Do you-? Is this a  _ good  _ thing?”

“Uh, you tell me.” Emily said. “Are you- are you okay with this? I mean it’s your life too.”

“I mean, we’ve talked about it.” Derek said, trying to keep his tone measured. “It’s a couple years sooner than we talked about having kids, but I’m not upset that it’s happening now, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“So you want to keep it?”

“Emily, what do  _ you  _ want?” He asked. “Cause I’m not the one who’s gonna have to carry it and go through labor and all that. I’m here to support you.”

Emily looked at him for a long moment without saying anything, chewing a fingernail. Derek was surprised to find himself worried that she was going to say that she  _ didn’t  _ want the baby, a reaction he hadn’t expected from himself. It was true that a baby hadn’t been a part of their immediate plans, they hadn’t even told the rest of the team that they had been seeing each other, but knowing now that it was a reality, Derek felt a longing inside of him that was almost shocking to him. Finally Emily nodded at him.

“I wanna do it.” She said. “I know it wasn’t what we planned but...I want this, Derek.”

“Okay.” He said. “Well, I then I guess we’re gonna have to tell the team that we’re a couple here soon.”

“Yeah.” Emily laughed. “I think they’d notice if I had a baby that looks just like you.”

“Who said this kid’s gonna look like me?” Derek said with a grin. “We’re having a baby, princess!”

“We’re having a baby.” Emily said, cupping his face in her hands and kissing him. “I love you.”

Derek smiled and kissed her back. “I love you too.”

Just like that, both of their lives had changed forever, but Derek couldn’t help but think that maybe it was for the better. That maybe, just maybe, this was the way things were supposed to be. They would be a family, and though he was still nervous, Derek found that above all, he was happy. If only he had known that in a few short weeks, his life would change once again, plunging him into a dark place that he didn’t know that he would ever be able to get out of.

_ Seven weeks later _

He couldn’t believe it. Try as he might, Derek Morgan couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Emily, the woman he loved, the mother of his unborn  _ child  _ was not only being hunted by an international terrorist hell bent on revenge, but she had managed to hide it from him, choosing to run instead of ask for help. Betrayal was an understatement for what he felt. He had spent a year of his life with Emily, shared a bed with her, was starting a  _ family  _ with her and she hadn’t thought to tell him that she had enemies that could pose a threat not only to her life, but the life they had built together. He was hurt and he was furious, a fact that wasn’t lost on the rest of his team, though only one person was bold enough to confront him on it.

“Morgan, what’s with you?” Dave asked when they were searching Emily’s apartment. 

Derek shrugged. “What do you mean?”

“I think you know what I mean.” Dave replied as he walked around the room. “We’re all reeling from this but you’re taking all this stuff with Prentiss pretty personally. Is there something I don’t know about?”

“Rossi, come on man.” Derek said. “Don’t go there. Prentiss knew she could trust us and she chose not to. Makes me wonder what’s real and what’s not.”

“She knew she could trust us?” Dave said. “Or she knew that she could trust you?”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I think there’s a lot more going on here than you want to admit.” Dave said. “Come on, I’ve seen the way you look at her when you think no one’s watching. This is personal for you, isn’t it?”

Derek sighed and looked away, his jaw clenched. That was all the confirmation David Rossi seemed to need.

“How long?”

“A little over a year.” Derek said. “It’s not what you think though, man, we weren’t- we weren’t just fooling around. It was more than that.”

“You love her.” Dave said.

“Yeah, I love her.” Derek said quietly. “And I thought she loved me too, before I found out about this.”

“Just because she didn’t tell you doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you.” Dave said. “This situation isn’t exactly cut and dry, Morgan.”

“It sure feels like it to me.” Derek muttered. “She had a choice to tell me and she didn’t, this doesn’t affect just  _ her  _ anymore! She- we…”

Dave stared at him. “She’s pregnant, isn’t she?”

“Yeah.” Derek said. “Fourteen weeks.”

“I wondered.” Dave said. “Even before all this happened she seemed different, preoccupied. Like her mind was somewhere else.”

“If we don’t find Doyle and get her back, it’s not gonna matter!” Derek said. “She put our unborn child in danger, Rossi, and I don’t know that I can forgive that.”

“We’ll get her back, Morgan.” Dave said. “Then you two can figure all this out.”

“I hope you’re right.” Derek said. “Because I don’t know what I’m gonna do if we don’t.”

_ One week later _

Derek lingered at the grave longer than anyone else. He didn’t want to leave her. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye. It was bad enough that he hadn’t been able to save her, had gotten there a minute too late to be able to save Emily and their child, but knowing how he had thought of her, the things he had said to himself and other people in the hours leading up to her death...it destroyed him. His only comfort was knowing that the last thing he said to her, the last words that Emily had heard, were him telling her how proud of her he was, and how much he loved her and their baby. He hoped that she died knowing that she was loved. Derek felt a hand on his shoulder, and when he turned around, it was Penelope Garcia’s tearstained face he saw looking back at him.

“Derek.” She said. “E-everyone’s getting ready to leave, I know you don’t want to, but-“

“It’s my fault.” He said. “It’s all my fault.”

“No!” Penelope said. “Derek, no. Don’t blame yourself, Emily wouldn’t want that, she wouldn’t-“

“Garcia, you don’t get it!” Derek said, fighting back tears. “I was supposed to protect her, and I failed!”

“There was nothing you could do.” Penelope said. “We all did the best that we could…”

Penelope trailed off as she took in Derek’s expression, his pain and brokenness written plainly on his face. Her expression changed too.

“Derek…” She said. “What are you not telling me?”

Derek took a shaky breath. “She was pregnant.” He said. “She-  _ we  _ were gonna have a baby.”

Penelope’s face crumpled as the full weight of Derek’s words hit her.

“No.” She said, the word coming out in a high-pitched whine. “No, no! Derek, tell me that isn’t true.”

“I wish it wasn’t.” He said, his voice breaking. “Garcia, I lost my family! How am I supposed to  _ live  _ with that?!”

“I don’t know.” She said, hugging him. “I mean, I knew you guys were  _ doing it  _ but I didn’t know you- I asked her if she was and she said no, but she- she hesitated and I thought it was weird but I guess now I know why...Derek, why didn’t you  _ tell  _ anyone?”

“We were going to.” He said. “Then all this happened and now...now none of it matters.”

“It  _ does  _ matter!” She sobbed. “Derek, that was your  _ baby!  _ It’s  _ always  _ gonna matter! Did anyone know?”

“Rossi found out.” Derek said, wiping his eyes. “But I don’t want anyone else to know. I don’t think I can take everyone knowing...Garcia, I had  _ everything  _ and then I  _ lost  _ it! All of it. And I don’t know where I go from here.”

“I- I don’t know what to say.” Penelope said. “Except that I love you and that I’m here for you. Whatever you need...God, Derek! How did this happen?”

“I would think that part would be obvious.” He said dryly. “It wasn’t planned or anything, it just sort of happened, but we were happy. Now…”

“Derek, I am  _ so  _ sorry.” She said, hugging him again tightly. “Was she- did you love her?”

“I did.” He said. “Both of them. I loved them more than anything. I think I always will.”

“Of course you will.” She said. “And I know you’re not religious or anything but I hope you know that Emily and your baby will always be with you.”

“I know.” He said. “I’ll never be sorry.”

“For what?”

“For loving her.” He said. “For making a child with her, even with the way things turned out.”

Penelope didn’t say anything else, she didn’t know what to say. Instead she squeezed Derek’s arm and walked hand in hand back to the car where the rest of the team was waiting. In a matter of days, Derek’s world had ended and he was stuck with his new normal. No Emily, no baby arriving in the fall, just loss and unimaginable pain and confusion. Confusion that would grow even greater and mix with shock and betrayal and something more in another seven months when his world would be turned upside down one more time. And he would never see it coming.

_ Seven months later _

Like a ghost, she reappeared in the conference room at the BAU, whole and beautiful, her eyes full of regret when she looked at him. Derek’s mind was reeling with questions, his emotions so overwhelming that he felt himself shutting down, the only appropriate alternative to falling apart. He wanted to scream, to cry, shake her, ask her how she could do this to him. Her apologies felt as hollow as his heart had for the past seven month, and he had so many questions that he didn’t even know where to begin. Questions that he didn’t know if he wanted the answers to. But all of that was set aside as they focused on rescuing Declan, Ian Doyle’s estranged son, the child that Emily had sacrificed their child to save. Or so he thought.

Emily came to him after it was over, the case and subsequent investigation into the BAU’s actions. The team had gone out to dinner to celebrate, though it was clear that Derek wasn’t in a celebratory mood. She touched his arm gently, her eyes cautious.

“Hey.” She said.

“Hey.” He replied, barely meeting her eye.

“We need to talk.” She said.

“Yeah.” He said. “We do.”

“I know you’re hurt.” She said. “You have every right to be, and I don’t expect things to go back to the way they were, and I know- I  _ know  _ that sorry will never be enough but before you walk away, there’s something you ought to know. Can you come meet me later?”

“Sure.” He said. “Yeah, I can do that.”

“Okay.” She said, smiling shyly at him. “I’ll text you the address of the place I’m staying.”

“Sounds good.” 

Emily turned to rejoin the rest of the group, then stopped to look at him again. 

“For what it’s worth.” She said. “I never stopped loving you.”

“I know.” He said. “I never stopped loving you either.”

_ Later that night _

It had taken more courage than Derek had thought it would to drive to the hotel where Emily was staying, though she had made a point of telling him that it was only temporary until she found somewhere more permanent. She had been emphatic, which he had found strange. Still, he shook it off and went anyway, wiping his palms on his jeans before knocking on the door to her hotel room. Emily opened the door seconds later, her face lighting up when she saw him. She was dressed in a soft pink t-shirt that was a little too big for her and gray sweatpants. It was a far cry from the dress she had worn earlier and though she was obviously tired, there was a glow about her. Emily smiled softly at him and Derek felt his resolve weakening. In spite of everything that had happened, he was still in love with Emily and he knew that if she asked, he would be hers. He would always be hers.

“Hey.” She said, almost whispering. “There you are, I was beginning to worry that you’d changed your mind.”

“I took a wrong turn.” He said. “Emily, I know we have a lot to talk about, but it could have waited til morning. You look exhausted. Is everything okay?”

“I’ve had a lot of late nights lately.” She said. “I’m fine, come in. It’s kind of a mess but I did what I could.”

Derek stepped in the door and closed the door behind him. He thought he heard a noise in the room beyond the entryway where they stood, but he couldn’t quite place it. Emily stood in front of him, wringing her hands nervously. They stood there in silence for a moment before Derek cleared his throat.

“Okay, Emily.” He said. “I know you asked me to come over here for a reason, so what’s this all about?”

“There’s a lot we need to talk about.” Emily said. “And we will! But before we do all that, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

Derek looked at her with furrowed brows, a million questions running through his mind, but Emily just beckoned him to follow her so he did. Emily walked into the bedroom and reached into what looked like some sort of a cot set up next to the bed and lifted a tiny wiggling little bundle into her arms. Derek’s jaw dropped and his eyebrows lifted as he took in the sight of the tiny being Emily was cradling. She kissed the baby on the cheek, smiling down at the child with soft brown skin and dark eyes that he recognized all too well, because they were the same as his.

“I- how?” He asked, stunned. “How is that possible?”

“I don’t know.” Emily said. “When I woke up after the surgery, I thought for sure...they said it was almost a medical miracle that I didn’t miscarry. No one could explain it...did you want to hold her?”

Derek nodded, and when Emily placed the tiny girl in his arms, he thought his heart might burst. The baby looked up at him unflinchingly, and he took in her every feature, committing them to memory. She had his eyes, and Emily’s nose and lips. Her complexion matched his and any doubt that Derek may have had faded away. This was his child, his daughter, and against all odds the child he thought was gone forever was in his arms. He looked up at Emily who was watching them with a combination of love and sadness.

“I uh…” He faltered. “What’s her name?”

“It’s uh, it’s Lea.” Emily said, giving him a small, nervous smile. “Lea Noelle Prentiss-Morgan.”

“Lea.” He said. “When was she-?”

“August fifteenth at four twenty-seven in the morning.” She said. “Little stinker was two weeks early.”

“Tell me everything.” He said. “I want to know everything about her.”

“Well, my water broke at one in the afternoon.” Emily said. “I was in labor for fifteen hours. I had two epidurals because the first one failed, and I-“

Emily stopped and Derek looked at her curiously, his expression shifting to one of concern when he noticed that her eyes were filled with tears.

“I remember I kept screaming your name.” She choked. “It hurt, and I was alone and scared and all I wanted was you holding my hand and telling me that it was all gonna be okay.”

“Emily, I’m sorry.” Derek said. “If I had known…”

“I know.” She said, wiping her eyes. “I know you would have been there. I- uh, god, it felt like it went on for forever but then finally she was there. Six pounds, seven ounces, twenty-one and a half inches long, screaming her head off. Don’t let that cute face fool you, she has a set of pipes on her.”

As if to illustrate her mother’s point, Lea grunted and squeaked in Derek’s arms. He bounced her a little and kissed her on the forehead, which seemed to placate her enough that she quieted. Derek stared at Lea’s face, blown away that she was here with him.

“She’s perfect.” Derek said. “Emily, I’m so proud of you. I just wish I could have been there with you.”

“You’re here now.” Emily said, motioning for him to sit on the bed and she took a seat beside him. “And I know that this doesn’t fix everything but I want our daughter to know her father.”

“I want that too.” He said. 

“When I was pregnant,” Emily said. “I used to talk to her all the time, telling her stories about you and telling her how excited you were to be her dad.”

Derek looked at her. “You did?”

“I did.” She said. “I still do, and Derek, not a day went by that I didn’t want to come out of hiding and tell you about her. And I will always regret that you didn’t get to spend the first six weeks of her life with her.”

“Hey.” Derek said, shifting their daughter in his arms so he could touch Emily’s cheek. “You did what you had to do, and regardless of how I feel, I’m just glad you’re both  _ here.  _ I thought I had lost my family and I blamed myself. Now you’re back and all I want is to figure out how to be a family with you.”

Emily stares at him, her eyes full of tears. “You do?”

“Emily, I  _ love  _ you.” He said. “And I love our daughter. Yeah there’s some stuff we need to resolve but I would never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try with you.”

“I love you too.” She said. “I love you and her, I love that we made her and I  _ never  _ want our family split up like that again. I couldn’t take it.”

“I know.” He said, kissing her forehead. “I guess we  _ really  _ need to tell the rest of the team now.”

“Yeah.” Emily snorted. “About a year later than we should have. I  _ did  _ tell JJ about her though, and Hotch found out because it was in my medical records.”

“Garcia and Rossi knew you were pregnant.” Derek admitted. “I don’t think they have any idea she’s alive though. I know I didn’t.”

“I guess they’ll all find out tomorrow.” She said. “It’s pretty easy to tell who  _ this  _ little one belongs to.”

Emily stroked Lea gently on the cheek and the baby opened her mouth, turning in the direction of her mother’s finger. She chuckled.

“She’s probably hungry.” Emily said. “I had just changed her right before you got here.”

“Oh, right.” He said. “Do you need help with anything?”

“Well, unless you’ve grown fully functional boobs in the last seven months,” She said. “I think I’ve got this.”

“You got me there, princess.” Derek chuckled and shook his head. “You want some privacy?”

“It’s okay.” She said. “Fun fact, after you give birth in front of a full medical team, you stop being shy.”

Derek nodded but averted his eyes anyway as Emily lifted her shirt and began feeding Lea. He snuck a glance at Emily while she fed their daughter, the dimple in her cheek deepening as she smiled down at the small girl, whose eyelids had begun to droop and flutter shut. Lea looked to be the picture of contentment as she ate and Emily was radiant, she almost seemed like she was glowing. Motherhood looked good on her, and Derek was awestruck by the sight. It hit him that  _ this  _ was the kind of moment that had haunted his dreams for the past seven months, the kind of moments he had given up on ever experiencing and now it was happening right in front of him. His little girl and the woman he loved were alive and well, and he had them back. Emily caught him staring and quirked an eyebrow.

“You okay?” She asked. “You look a little stunned.”

“I’m good.” He said. “I just- I’d lost hope of ever knowing how this feels and watching you two...it’s making me fall in love with you all over again.” 

Emily smiled and bit her lip, her cheeks flushing pink.

“Well then.” She said. “We just might have a shot at fixing this after all.”

Derek returned her smile. “You may be right.”

Seven months of anguish couldn’t be repaired in a night, and Derek and Emily were both well aware that the road to fixing their relationship would be a long one, full of speed bumps and potholes, but as they sat together for the first time as a family, both of them felt like it was not only possible but absolutely worth whatever it might cost them. They would be met with shock and questions when they introduced Lea to the rest of the team, and neither one of them was looking forward to the phone calls they would have to make to their respective mothers, explaining Emily’s miraculous resurrection and the revelation that Derek had a child that no one knew anything about. But they had each other, which was a lot more than either of them had before. They were a family and no one could take that away from them.

_ Two years later _

Derek watched as Lea blew out the number two candle on her birthday cake, eliciting thunderous applause from all of her guests. The whole team was there, as much a part of their family as if they were blood, coming together to celebrate this milestone. Emily smiled as she handed out slices of cake, one hand resting against her growing stomach. The ring on her left hand glinted in the sunlight. She had transferred out of the BAU after a few near misses and had found, completely by accident, that she enjoyed the boring consistency that a full-time position at the Academy afforded her. They had gotten married a few months after Lea turned one and found out that they were expecting their second child six months later.

“So.” Alex Blake, the woman who had taken Emily’s position when she left the BAU said. “Have you guys decided on a name for your little guy yet?”

Emily bit back a smile and looked at her husband.

“We have a couple of ideas.” She said. “But we haven’t  _ quite  _ settled on one just yet.”

“Well, you still have time.” Alex said. “You’re due around Christmas, right?”

“New Year’s.” Emily said. “Although if he’s anything like his sister, he might arrive in time for winter solstice.”

“I hope not.” Dave said from a few feet away. “I’ve got money on this one being fashionably late.”

“Ugh, don’t wish that on me Rossi!” Emily said with a laugh. “Thirty-eight weeks was hard enough the first time around, I don’t need you jinxing me.”

“Well, I for one can’t wait for him to get here.” Derek said, wrapping his arms around Emily’s waist, kissing her on the cheek as he rocked her from side to side.

“What, so you can get me pregnant again?” Emily teased. “I don’t think so, buddy.”

“Aw, come on now princess.” Derek said. “This one was all  _ your  _ idea.”

“Funny.” She said. “I don’t remember you putting up much of a fight.”

Derek grinned. “Who am I to refuse my beautiful wife when she tells me she wants another baby?”

“Oh yeah?” She said. “And what happens if I decide I want enough kids for my own football team?”

“Then I guess I better start working some overtime.” He said, leaning over to kiss her.

“Get a room, you two.” Dave teased. “In case you forgot, there are children present.”

“How exactly do you think this happened?” Emily said, gesturing to her stomach. She turned back to Derek and her expression softened. “Hey you.”

“Hey yourself.” Derek replied. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Emily said. “I just love you, that’s all.”

“I love you too, princess.” Derek said. “I love you and our kids. And I always will.”

In a few short years, Derek Morgan had gone from a man who had lost everything to a man who had gotten back everything he had thought he lost and more. He kissed Emily on the cheek and held her tight. Against his hand, Derek felt his unborn son kicking from within Emily’s stomach and he watched his daughter giggle beside Jack and Henry, her face covered in chocolate frosting. Emily leaned her head back against Derek’s chest and his heart skipped a beat. She was here, they were married and everything was okay. Derek didn’t know how he had gotten so lucky, but he vowed to make the most of it. The future was bright, and Derek and Emily were ready to see what it held.

  
  
  
  



End file.
